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SHERLOCK
the screenplay

By Mary Wasche & Stan Jones

Copyright By Stan Jones

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Scene One

FADE IN:

INT. 221B BAKER STREET, VICTORIAN LONDON - DAY

SUPER: Sherlock Holmes's apartment. 221B Baker Street, London

Morning light in a second-floor bedroom. Two sleeping forms visible under the covers of a four-poster bed. On the floor to one side, Holmes's deerstalker cap lies atop a jumble of male clothing torn off in the heat of passion. On the other side, a Coachman bowler atop a similar jumble of male clothing. A spare deerstalker and bowler hang on the headposts.

Distant knocking from below.

WOMAN'S VOICE(O.S.)

Mr.. 'Olmes! Mr.. 'Olmes! There's a gentleman here as says he has an appointment. Mr. 'Olmes!

One head pops up. DR. JOHN WATSON, a hunky, mustached, 30-something. He checks his pocket watch on the nightstand, pokes the form beside him.

WATSON

Wake up, love! We've overslept! It's the gentleman from Bartons.

Muffled growl from under the covers. More knocking.

Woman's voice (o.s.)

Mr. 'Olmes!

Watson gets up, opens bedroom door, shouts downstairs.

WATSON

He's coming, Mrs. Hudson!

He turns to the bed again, swats the rump of the sleeping form.

WATSON

Wake up, love!

The covered form mutters, sits up, revealing a mane of red hair and hint of breast swell.

Watson, pulling on clothes, stumbles out past the doorway of another bedroom. Medical equipment, daybed, desk, card beside the door reading, "Dr. John Watson, Surgeon."

He descends the stairs, hurries across a sitting room past a huge oak desk cluttered with papers, scientific equipment and maggot specimens on cards and in vials. A Stradivarius is propped alongside.

INT. 221B - HOLMES'S BEDROOM - DAY

Covers are tossed back, EVA WHITTAKER emerges nude. Tall, statuesque, severe but sensual face. Sherlock Holmes is a gorgeous woman!

INT. 221B - SITTING ROOM - DAY

Watson fixes tea over a Bunsen burner for the GENTLEMAN from Bartons. Conservative black suit, leather satchel between knees, hat firmly in place. He has draped his overcoat across an armchair.

WATSON

Holmes will be down soon. I'm afraid he's quite exhausted himself with his monograph on the Brachycera.

Watson gestures at the desk. The gentleman glances at the specimens.

GENTLEMAN

Brachycera?


WATSON

Maggots. Their presence in a corpse can establish the time of death.

The gentleman shudders, wrenches his gaze away from the maggots, surveys the room, gestures at the disorder.

GENTLEMAN

If I may say so, this place could use a woman's touch.

Watson chuckles, shouts up the stairs.

WATSON

Holmes! It's the gentleman from Bartons!

GENTLEMAN

I don't mind waiting, Dr. Watson. In fact, I'd hoped to learn more about Mr. Holmes before I meet him.

WATSON

Oh, but every Londoner knows the famous Sherlock Holmes.

GENTLEMAN

Quite so. Yet no one seems to know his background. Who is he really?

WATSON

Holmes is terribly private. Indeed, there is much about him that even I do not know, despite our close association.


INT. 221B - HOLMES'S BEDROOM - DAY

From downstairs, muffled unintelligible conversation.

Series of images as Eva:

- binds her breasts

- slips on Holmes's suit

- twists her hair into a knot atop her head, pulls the deerstalker over it.

- goes to mirror, applies makeup to thin her lips, darkens her chin and jawline to resemble morning shadow, pencils in heavier eyebrows, tucks a stray red lock under the deerstalker.

- sets Holmes's clay pipe between her teeth

- touches a heart-shaped birthmark behind her ear for luck

- pulls dress gloves over smallish hands, turns to door.

We never get a good look at the transformation in progress, only three-quarter rear views.

INT. 221B - SITTING ROOM - DAY

Avoiding the maggot specimens, the gentleman lifts a copy of "Silas Marner" from the desk, flips through the pages.

GENTLEMAN

Fancy Eliot, do you, Doctor?

WATSON

Not I, sir. Holmes. He's a great admirer.


GENTLEMAN

They say he's really a woman.

WATSON

(alarmed)

Eh?

The gentleman taps the book.

GENTLEMAN

Eliot. They say he's a woman.

WATSON

Oh, Holmes could never be tricked into reading a book by a woman. He does not believe the female mind is capable of producing a great work of literature.

GENTLEMAN

I concur.

WATSON

To an intellect such as his, a crack in the lens of his microscope could not be more disturbing than a strong female emotion.

GENTLEMAN

And what is Woman but a cauldron of seething emotion?

HOLMES (O.S.)

(deep male voice)

A distracting tangle of nerves and curves, gentlemen, nothing more.

Watson and the gentleman look up. The SHERLOCK HOLMES of legend, perfect in every detail, is descending the stairs.

He watches closely as the gentleman rises, tugs a detached earlobe, extends a callused hand. Holmes gives a stiff bow, puts his gloved hands behind him.

HOLMES

Good morning, sir, and my deepest apologies to have kept you waiting.

 GENTLEMAN

No inconvenience, Mr. Holmes. Dr. Watson and I were having a most interesting discussion of the fair sex.

HOLMES

Can you imagine a member of that sex doing what I do?

Chuckles and nods from Watson and the Gentleman. Holmes seats himself at the desk, lights his pipe.

HOLMES

And you are?

GENTLEMAN

I represent the Chairman of Bartons Bank. My name is irrelevant to the matter at hand.

HOLMES

And that is?

GENTLEMAN

You've heard of Irene Adler?

HOLMES

The actress? Of course.

The gentleman cuts a glance at Watson, looks questioningly at Holmes.

HOLMES

Oh, you may speak freely in front of Dr. Watson. There are no secrets between us, eh, Watson?

Watson bows.

GENTLEMAN

Very well, then. Miss Adler is in possession of a regrettable photograph of our chairman.

HOLMES

How much does she want?

GENTLEMAN

Admirably direct, Mr. Holmes! But to answer your question: so much that even the Chairman cannot afford it.

HOLMES

Then let him steal it from his depositors. He is, after all, a banker.

Watson chuckles and smiles. The gentleman does not.

GENTLEMAN

The sum is too large to be concealed. Money, sir, is like water. Where it flows, it leaves a mark.

Holmes becomes interested, ponders for a moment.

HOLMES

What effort has been made to recover the photograph?


GENTLEMAN

We set pickpockets upon the Adler woman in the street, and we sent burglars into her home, all to no avail.

HOLMES

Perhaps she's hidden it elsewhere?

GENTLEMAN

No, we're certain it is in her chambers. She would not trust it in any other place.

HOLMES

And if she is not paid?

GENTLEMAN

She threatens to publicize the photograph. The resulting outcry would likely lead to the bank's collapse, possibly even the Chairman's imprisonment.

Holmes takes up the bow of the Stradivarius, balances it vertically on the tip of a gloved forefinger, closes his eyes, becomes utterly still.

The gentleman opens his mouth to speak. Watson stops him with a raised hand and shake of his head.

Finally Holmes opens his eyes. The bow remains balanced.

HOLMES

And once the photograph is recovered?

The gentleman waits him out.

HOLMES

Ah. The problem will conveniently disappear.

GENTLEMAN

The Chairman requires a permanent solution.

Holmes flips the violin bow into the air, catches it, sets it on the desk.

HOLMES

That's none of our concern. You may give Dr. Watson a hundred pounds.

Holmes watches closely as the gentleman takes the money from his satchel with his left hand and passes it to Watson. He hands Holmes a paper.

GENTLEMAN

Her address.

Holmes glances at it, passes it to Watson.

GENTLEMAN

She assures us she has sealed the envelope containing the photograph against the prying of her maid. We must receive it with seal intact so that we can be certain it has not been viewed.

Holmes waves the comment away.

GENTLEMAN

When may we --

HOLMES

You will be contacted.

GENTLEMAN

But --

HOLMES

Allow me to see you out.

He helps the gentleman on with his overcoat, escorts him to the door, returns and takes a chair near Watson.

WATSON

None of our concern! Our client plots the murder of a woman and it's none of our concern?

Holmes removes his hat and gloves, shakes loose the curls.

Eva runs her fingers through her hair, takes a puff on the clay pipe.

EVA

Dear, dear John. This is why I love you so. The Chairman is not our client.

WATSON

Then who?

Eva pulls a photograph from the sleeve of Holmes's jacket, passes it to Watson.

EVA

These boys.

Watson examines the photograph. It shows a table in an ornate drawing room set with framed photographs of expensively dressed men, each with a naked boy on his lap. The men wear masks.

WATSON

My God! The boy brothel! I thought it was a myth.

EVA

It's my experience, heart, that no evil is so unimaginable that someone, somewhere, will not perpetrate it.

WATSON

But how did you get...oh, you picked his pocket. How did you know he'd have it?

EVA

I was after his wallet to determine his identity. But he only had this.

Watson studies the photo.

WATSON

So one of these men is the Chairman?

EVA

Presumably.

WATSON

But which one?

EVA

I'm not sure yet.

She takes the photograph, studies it thoughtfully.

EvA

But I have no doubt the key to this mystery lies in Miss Adler's chambers.

WatSON

Meaning her photograph of the Chairman?

EVA

Among other things.

WATSON

Eh?

EVA

Our gentleman from Bartons? Aside from being no gentleman and having no wallet, he is certainly no banker.

WATSON

How do you deduce that?

EVA

When you shook his hand, did you not detect calluses?

Watson looks at his palm.

WATSON

I suppose so

EvA

A banker does not develop calluses, no matter how much money he steals.

Watson chuckles, somewhat dutifully.

EVA

And did you not observe the roll in his gait as he left?

Watson

Perhaps.

EVA

Our man's a sailor, heart. There's no doubt of it.

Watson

A sailor!

EVA

And do you not find it remarkable that a Quaker should involve himself in such a sordid affair?

WATSON

A Quaker? And how --

EVA

Elementary, my dear John.

Watson gives a resigned sigh.

EVA

What does a man always remove when he comes indoors?

WATSON

Ah. The hat.

EVA

A Quiet Friend never bares his head but to pray or minister. The hat, the severity of dress. He is a Quaker.

WATSON

May I point out that you never remove your hat?

EVA

I'm Sherlock Holmes.

They laugh and move together. Watson begins opening Eva's shirt. She nuzzles into him, then pulls back.

EVA

First some business, heart. We must pay Miss Adler a little visit. Find an urchin and send him for the kidsman, will you?

* * *